The IRC Finale Mr Bigg's version
by Mr. Bigg
Summary: A spoof on the last Chapter of Golden Sun Cafe. Funny, but don't look for any type pf plot...


"We're approaching the Cauldron Nebula," Piro Flare said from the navigation terminal. "Any sign of the Avarice yet?" Royal asked Neoringo. "Nope. All quiet," she replied. "A bit too quiet." Mr. Bigg said over the comm. system. "How much fuel do we have left, Grease Monkey?" Xanatos asked. "HEY! I think I speak for all the Grease Monkies of Golden Sun when I say we find that name insul-" Royal turned off the comm. channel.  
  
"Remember- once the Avarice comes within range, upload the virus into its systems. It will disable the shields long enough for us to destroy the bridge," Royal said. "We got something big coming up behind us- and fast!" Piro Flare said from the Radar. "Bastards! He must have followed us! Prepare to engage!" Royal shouted to Xanatos. "Alright, alright. don't get your panties in a twist," mumbled Xanatos.  
  
They started to close in, but the Avarice fired a volley of concussion missiles. "He's keeping us at a distance! He must know about the virus!" Neoringo shouted. "DAMN! Mr. Bigg- throw all available power into the shields and engines! We may have to out run him!" Royal yelled. "Imperial! Get on the EMP scanners- we have to know when they fire the Ion cannon!" Royal said. "Right. Let's do this!" Imperial said as he slipped into the seat. "Brace yourselves. Open Throttle!" Royal shouted. The speed sent him flying into the wall. "Too fast! Too fast!" Royal screamed. They rocketed around the Avarice, to fast to be targeted. They swooped low, and the virus started to upload, when suddenly.  
  
"I'm detecting a large EMP build up! They're about to fire!" Imperial shouted. Suddenly, the ship went dark as the emergency instructions voice spoke over the intercom. "Danger! Danger! Prepare for boarding! Place your head between your knees-" "AND KISS YER ASS GOODBYE!" Finished Mr. Bigg, running to the command bridge. "Royal! They're dragging us in with a tractor beam!" Royal furrowed his brow. "Prepare for attack! All personnel, arm yourselves!" Royal said. They assembled by the air lock, waiting for the enemy.  
  
Suddenly, sparks flew from the air lock, as a small hole was cut through the door. "I expected the snowmen to be a wee bit bigger," Mr. Bigg stated. "I smell something funny." Piro Flare said. "Well, I think all that food I ate gave me indigestion," Mr. Bigg said sheepishly. "That's not what she meant." Xanatos said, but suddenly, a small canister rolled through the hole and onto the floor. Neoringo suddenly noticed what it was. "THEY'RE GASSING US! RUN!" she yelled. But it was too late. The knock-out gas bomb exploded and the members of the IRC slumped to the floor, unconscious.  
  
* * *  
  
Royal woke up in a large containment cell, filled with the other members of the IRC. "IS everyone ok?" He asked. "Yeah. But where's Piro Flare and Imperial?" Neoringo asked. "Uh. don't look at me!" Mr. Bigg said. The question was answered when a pair of snowmen guards opened the door and threw the nearly unconscious pair inside. "Jesus! Are you guys ok?" Mr. Bigg asked. "A little duck tape, and I'll be as good as new," Imperial said. "Well, I got something to even the score!" Piro Flare said. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a key card for the door. "Where'd you get that?" Royal asked. "Well, it was so shiny I couldn't resist!" Piro Flare said.  
  
"Good work. Let's get out of here," Xanatos said as he slipped the key into the lock. The door opened, and Royal began to formulate a new plan. Suddenly, Mr. Bigg found Mecurio and Butler's cell. "Alright, here's the plan- Neoringo, your take the wounded and get off the ship. Once out of range, contact Top Gear. Meanwhile, Xanatos, Bigg, and I will stop Anti Shadow once and for all. Ok?" Royal asked. "Wait- don't I have a say in this?" Mr. Bigg asked. "Shut up, Grease Monkey," Xanatos said. "Ok- CAN WE LIGHTEN IT UP WITH THE GREASE MONKEY THING?! WELL?" Mr. Bigg shouted. But everyone was already gone. "WAIT FOR ME!" Mr. Bigg shouted as he ran off.  
  
"Ok- how do we get to where we need to go?" Xanatos asked. "Well, let's consult my Handy dandy- NOTEBOOK!" Royal said, pulling out a small notebook. "Where did you get that?" Mr. Bigg asked. "From my pocket," Royal replied. "But. you don't have any pockets," Xanatos said. "Well, there's a perfectly good explanation for this. Igottagothiswaybye!" Royal said as he ran off. Xanatos ran down the other hall, as Mr. Bigg followed Royal.  
  
He found Royal standing on the edge of a mammoth hole. "The bridge connecting us to the other side was destroyed. We can't get to the core now," Royal said. "But isn't the core down there?" Mr. Bigg asked. "Yup. There's no way down though," Royal replied. "Why not jump?" Mr. Bigg asked. "Well, since you volunteered." Royal said and shoved him into the hole. Mr. Bigg fell like a rock. "Wait- that looks like fun!" Royal said, and he jumped down too.  
  
By the time Royal landed, the snow men guards were merely piles of snow, and Mr. Bigg was relieving himself on their remains. "THAT'S NASTY!" Royal shouted. "But look! I can spell my name!" Mr. Bigg replied. Royal started to drag him off, but Mr. Bigg kept shouting, "WAIT FOR THE SHAKE! WAIT FOR THE SHAKE!" Royal released him as Mr. Bigg zipped up. "We have no time for this- ASDP could destroy Golden sun whenever he wishes!" Royal said. "Jeez- no pressure," Mr. Bigg replied. The pair ran to the core, and pulled out their light sabers. "FOR HONOR!" Mr. Bigg yelled. "FOR.uh. FOR. bastards! Where's the script for this thing!?" Royal yelled. Suddenly, a gaffer ran form behind the scene with a script. Royal started thumbing through it, and said, "Hey- there's some halfway decent stuff in here! We destroy the core, Xanatos wins, Xanatos dies, wait- I DIE?! WHAT THE HELL'S WITH THAT? RAT BASTARDS! THE LOT OF YOU!" Royal said.  
  
"Look- can we just do this?" Mr. Bigg asked. "Fine. fine. FOR POWER!" Royal shouted, attacking the core. As the pair struck, the shipped shuddered. "That can't be good. I hope Xanatos is holding up on his end," Royal replied.  
  
* * *  
  
"That bastard had a McDonalds and he didn't tell us?" Xanatos fumed, waiting in line at Mecurio's. When he finally got to order, he got a large Oreo Mcflurry and a hamburger. "Why do your hamburgers not taste like normal hamburgers?" he asked the cashier. "I dunno. Probably the fact we use homeless people." she said. "Uh.ok," Xanatos said. Suddenly, the snowmen in front of him realized who he was. Xanatos ran off, directly into ASDP's personal chamber, where the infamous Sith himself was parading around in a tropical cocktail frock with a matching purse.  
  
"I'm not going to ask WHY a dark lord is wearing a dress." Xanatos said loudly. ASDP went bright red and turned around. "Uh. it's not a dress. It's a. Sith battle gown! Yup! That's what it is!" ASDP said hastily. "Uh huh, I'm sure. Shall I kick you ass now, or does the Sith still want to play dress up?" Xanatos laughed. "INSOLENT FOOL! YOUR FOOLISH INSOLENCE AND INSOLENT FOOLISHNESS WILL COST YOU YOUR INSOLENT, FOOLISH LIFE!" roared ASDP. "Big words from a man in a dress," Xanatos said. "DON'T MAKE ME SET THE STRAP TO YA, BOY!" ASDP retorted.  
  
"Then we duel. or something like that," Xanatos said. "Fine," ASDP said, igniting a golden light saber. Xanatos ignited a purple and an emerald one. "Two light sabers? You're still no match for me!" bellowed ASDP. "Ok. Catch!" Xanatos yelled, throwing both light sabers at ASDP. ASDP, being a master Sith, deflected both easily, and laughed. "HA! You're no match for." He stopped, seeing Xanatos had a B.M.F.G (Big McFricken Gun) trained on him. "If the ability to turn solid matter into gas isn't enough, It also fits easily into most overhead storage compartments!" Xanatos said, liquefying ASDP. He felt the ship shudder, and ran off.  
  
* * *  
  
Meanwhile, NeoRingo desperately tired to contact the rest of the fleet. "Top Gear! Can you hear us?" She yelled. "Uh. maybe. What's in it for me?" Top Gear replied. "TOP GEAR! We need the fleet ASAP!" Neoringo said. "Is that why you called?" Top Gear asked. "YES! GET YER ASS OVER HERE!" Top gear took his time answering. "I think you called for another reason," Top Gear said. "WHAT?!" NeoRingo yelled. "I think you missed the melodious sound of my voice," Top Gear said. "WHAT?! GET THE FLEET OVER HERE!" NeoRingo yelled. "First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice," Top Gear said. "THE HELL I WILL!" NeoRingo yelled back.  
  
"Well screw this," Top Gear said, signing off. "Dammit. I hope Those three can hold there own down there." NeoRingo said.  
  
* * *  
  
"Why are we running?!" Mr. Bigg yelled. "This is a Super Star Destroyer! If we walked, the story would be over before we reached the hangar!" Royal yelled. "Yeah, Grease Monkey! Get with the program!" Xanatos yelled. "Alright, THAT'S IT!" Mr. Bigg yelled. He sprinted a few feet in front, and turned around, kicking Xanatos square in the balls. Xanatos crumpled like a jury duty notice. "Should we help him?" Royal asked. "Nah. The script says he dies," Bigg replied.  
  
The duo wound up in the hangar, where they were greeted by 5 AT-AT walkers, each piloted by a clone of A.S.D.P. "Bwa ha ha! Even if you destroy my star destroyer, I'll destroy you! Say hello to my little friends!" they shouted in unison. "Well.SAY HELLO TO MY BIG FAT MECH!" Mr. Bigg shouted as a massive, potbellied Gundam popped out of nowhere. Mr. Bigg powered up the Beam cannon, and liquefied the AT-ATs, but also destroyed the ship as well. Xanatos' upper torso bounced off the canopy. "Aw man. that's coming out of my salary."  
  
Suddenly, a small vessel pulled up besides Mr. Bigg. "DAMMIT BIGG! YOU RUINED THE FINALE!" the director shouted. "What did I do wrong?" Bigg asked. "Well, first, you ripped the star in half, destroyed a functioning Star Destroy, and also killed my cameramen!" The director shouted. "Can't we do it over again?" Bigg asked. "NO WE CAN'T DO IT OVER! YOU RUINED EVERY CHANCE OF DOING IT OVER!" The director shouted. "So what do we do?" Bigg asked. "I'll tell you what we do! I quit, and then I tell all my fellow directors the IRC movie ain't worth it! I'll make sure you NEVER get a movie deal EVER! Now GET OFF MY SET!" The IRC, heads hung low, slowly flew away, never to return in its glory.  
  
  
  
EPILOGUE  
  
After the destroyed movie stunt, the surviving members of the IRC forced Mr. Bigg to run backwards naked through a corn field repeatedly for ruining the IRC. Anti-Shadow and Dark Promise, after cloning himself once more, decided his name was far too silly to impose any sort fear into his enemies. After a brief court session, he changed his name to Anti-Shadow and Dark Promise the Third. He is currently serving time in a local penitentiary for his unpaid parking tickets. No one ever found the remains Xanatos after the explosion, but, in all seriousness, no one really cared that much anyways.  
  
As for Royal Swordsman, no one could be sure of his fate. Some say that he perished in the blast; others say he survived as a cyborg. Some even say he was abducted by aliens and is repeatedly anal probed to this day. But the IRC has declined under his watchful eye, as they are still unemployed. But we hear they will work for food. 


End file.
